50 things men don't know about women..(but you wish they did)
1. Saying "I love you" immediately before, during, or following sex doesn't count.
2. Real men drive stick shift.
3. I will leave if you lie.
4. You are cute in raglan-sleeved T-shirts (two-toned baseball undershirts).
5. I'm convinced I'm pregnant and obsess about it for a minimum of 24 to 48 hours before my period, even when I have no rational reason to think so.
6. I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear.
7. "Fine" is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look.
8. Most of the time when I fantasize, it's about you.
9. I'm terrified of becoming my mother, even though I admire her.
10. I get turned on simply seeing that I have an e-mail from you.
11. I expect you to call me.
12. Only rock stars are allowed to wear leather pants.
13. I'm scared of losing my independence.
14. I'm more forgiving of you than I really should be.
15. Oral sex is your get-out-of-the-doghouse-free card. Manolo Blahnik shoes also do the trick.
16. You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I'm not. (See directly above.)
17. If I'm not having sex with you, I'm... a. ...having a fat day. b. ...not feeling "connected" to you. c. ...blackmailing you to get something I want.
18. Shoes determine whether you're fashionable or not.
19. I own a Debbie Gibson CD, and I'm not afraid to use it.
20. When I compare my flabby tummy to a kangaroo pouch, say nothing.
21. A man I love plans the occasional fancy-schmancy dress-up date and impromptu weekend getaways, and he buys my favorite candy in advance when we're just going to the movies.
22. You look hot in hooded clothing items.
23. You should never tell me what to do.
24. If I slept over, you owe me breakfast.
25. My breasts love much licking and sucking.
26. If you ask me out directly, I will say yes.
27. I'm very impressed when you ask for my advice.
28. I'm unimpressed with a man who doesn't take the lead.
29. When in doubt, go with the shirt that matches your eye color.
30. I want to be Madonna.
31. Women get urinary-tract infections easily, so watch (and wash) your fingers.
32. I'm in heaven when you hold my hand.
33. You're sexy when you're shaving, fixing things, wearing a white T-shirt and jeans, driving, eating a peach, holding a baby.
34. I need to hear how you feel about me. Often. Tell me now.
35. Surprises, especially gifts for moi = more loving.
36. I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you--and for you to recognize this.
37. If I'm not feeling loved, I will start looking....
38. Discussion of ex-gf's and ex-bf's should be avoided at all times.
39. I like it when you tell me what you're thinking, even if you don't know yourself.
40. Celebrating our anniversary, even if it's only been a few months, earns major bonus points.
41. I love it when you're sweaty.
42. It's best to consult your gal pals for gift ideas.
43. A lady should always be greeted with kisses.
44. I like porn.
45. I love holding your bum in the palms of my hands.
46. Even nice girls like hushed dirty talk in public.
47. It's cheating as soon as you're doing something with her that you wouldn't want me to see, hear, read...
48. For the record: I'd rather you break up with me than cheat.
49. I remember everything about our relationship.
50. You should know all this and more with-out my telling you.
1. Saying "I love you" immediately before, during, or following sex doesn't count.
2. Real men drive stick shift.
3. I will leave if you lie.
4. You are cute in raglan-sleeved T-shirts (two-toned baseball undershirts).
5. I'm convinced I'm pregnant and obsess about it for a minimum of 24 to 48 hours before my period, even when I have no rational reason to think so.
6. I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear.
7. "Fine" is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look.
8. Most of the time when I fantasize, it's about you.
9. I'm terrified of becoming my mother, even though I admire her.
10. I get turned on simply seeing that I have an e-mail from you.
11. I expect you to call me.
12. Only rock stars are allowed to wear leather pants.
13. I'm scared of losing my independence.
14. I'm more forgiving of you than I really should be.
15. Oral sex is your get-out-of-the-doghouse-free card. Manolo Blahnik shoes also do the trick.
16. You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I'm not. (See directly above.)
17. If I'm not having sex with you, I'm... a. ...having a fat day. b. ...not feeling "connected" to you. c. ...blackmailing you to get something I want.
18. Shoes determine whether you're fashionable or not.
19. I own a Debbie Gibson CD, and I'm not afraid to use it.
20. When I compare my flabby tummy to a kangaroo pouch, say nothing.
21. A man I love plans the occasional fancy-schmancy dress-up date and impromptu weekend getaways, and he buys my favorite candy in advance when we're just going to the movies.
22. You look hot in hooded clothing items.
23. You should never tell me what to do.
24. If I slept over, you owe me breakfast.
25. My breasts love much licking and sucking.
26. If you ask me out directly, I will say yes.
27. I'm very impressed when you ask for my advice.
28. I'm unimpressed with a man who doesn't take the lead.
29. When in doubt, go with the shirt that matches your eye color.
30. I want to be Madonna.
31. Women get urinary-tract infections easily, so watch (and wash) your fingers.
32. I'm in heaven when you hold my hand.
33. You're sexy when you're shaving, fixing things, wearing a white T-shirt and jeans, driving, eating a peach, holding a baby.
34. I need to hear how you feel about me. Often. Tell me now.
35. Surprises, especially gifts for moi = more loving.
36. I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you--and for you to recognize this.
37. If I'm not feeling loved, I will start looking....
38. Discussion of ex-gf's and ex-bf's should be avoided at all times.
39. I like it when you tell me what you're thinking, even if you don't know yourself.
40. Celebrating our anniversary, even if it's only been a few months, earns major bonus points.
41. I love it when you're sweaty.
42. It's best to consult your gal pals for gift ideas.
43. A lady should always be greeted with kisses.
44. I like porn.
45. I love holding your bum in the palms of my hands.
46. Even nice girls like hushed dirty talk in public.
47. It's cheating as soon as you're doing something with her that you wouldn't want me to see, hear, read...
48. For the record: I'd rather you break up with me than cheat.
49. I remember everything about our relationship.
50. You should know all this and more with-out my telling you.
posted by mathilde at 11:34 PM
1 Comments:
now 30 things women don't know about men:
1. Our balls are living thermostats, rising up and down in accordance with body temperature and climactic conditions. In fact, the astute female would do well to study this phenomenon as a man's balls provide the most accurate meteorological information possible. For instance, if a man's left testicle is hanging down four centimeters, it means that skies will be sunny and clear, the high will be 82 degrees, and sunset will be at 6:35 PM.
2. When you get out of bed to go to the bathroom, we put your panties over our noses and start breathing in deeply like the Dennis Hopper character in "Blue Velvet."
3. Our idea of a self-help book is TV Guide.
4. Our penises really do have minds of their own. They also have a nifty little timeshare of their own in the Hamptons. On any given weekend, you can see scores of them out there water-skiing, antiqueing, or lunching on fajitas.
5. If you have any videotapes that contain precious memories, do yourself a favor and knock out that little plastic tab. Otherwise, when our friend lends us a really hot porn video and we want to copy it, we wouldn't think twice about recording over our wedding video.
6. We fantasize about having the ideal family, but our ideal family is the Sopranos. Take for instance your sister. If she started yapping about her latest boyfriend or complaining about why we don't get "a real job," we'd have Pauly or Big Pussy rub her out.
7. We masturbate all the time when you're not around. In fact, house dust is nothing but desiccated semen.
8. Contrary to what we tell you, "little elves" have not stolen all of your Victoria's Secret Catalogs. In truth, we've stolen them all from your night stand for the last 10 years and they're piled up in our sock drawers.
9. When we're alone in the house, we grunt, forage for food, and scratch our bodies unashamedly. In fact, when we're alone, our behavior is pretty much indistinguishable from that of Dian Fosse's beloved mountain gorillas
10. While we like the card you bought us for Valentine's Day, we'd much rather that you shaved your pubes into a little heart and hid chocolate Easter eggs in there, thereby killing two holidays at once.
11. Perfume is fine, but if you really want to drive us wild, rub a gooey cinnamon bun over your neck and ears.
12. For every stuffed animal or ceramic turtle decorating the bedroom, the angle of our erections drops one degree.
13. Chances are, we've stuck our dick through any remotely round object in the house, so you may want to wash out the napkin rings before you set the Thanksgiving dinner table.
14. We pray that your birthday or our anniversary doesn't fall on the day the new "Star Wars" movie opens up, or for that matter, when the NBA playoffs begin, or when it's the day of the Super Bowl, or the first game of the World Series, or the day of the NFL draft, or when TBS is showing "Lethal Weapon" for the 80th time, etc.
15. If we watch "Felicity" with you, it sure as hell ain't because of the story line. The truth is, that curly-haired little vixen kinda' turns us on.
16. There's a small erogenous zone about the size of a dime up our right nostril. No, no, forget what Cosmo tells you about our erogenous zones. We've got one. It's 5 to 7 inches long, slightly reddish and angry looking, and we prefer you address it as Shamu, Conan, or Two-Ton Tony.
17. Our idea of ballet is the gun battle in any John Woo movie.
18. Screw the romantic meal and the mood music. If you want to be laid properly, screw a red light bulb into your bedside lamp. Either that or just show up.
19. Our tear ducts are largely vestigial organs, but they do spout a few paltry tears when Old Yeller dies at the end of the movie, and when we learned that Denise Richards is getting married to Charlie Sheen.
20. We don't like it when your dildo is bigger than we are, not that that's possible, no siree, no way.
21. The Corpus Spongiosum is not Chrysler's follow-up to the LeBaron.
22. The next time you want to criticize us, please remember that, unlike you, we'll never experience the miracle of birth. (Like we care.)
23. Your Ricky Martin CD is cracked because we used it to prop up our TV dinner tray when you were visiting your mother.
24. Most of us would give up a week's pay just to see you in your bra.
25. Men have a sense of smell that's over 1,000 times more sensitive than yours. Oh, wait a minute, I was thinking about dogs. Never mind.
26. We have trouble urinating at ball games. This is either because the alcohol in the beer has caused our prostates to swell (thereby impeding the flow of urine); because the bladder has been stretched too far by all that beer and won't contract properly; or because we have "Shy bladder syndrome," a psychological condition that causes our urinary sphincters to tighten up and prevent our bladders from contracting. Or, it could be that we just forgot to unzip our pants.
27. If it weren't for women nagging us, we'd never go to the doctor. Ever. Even if we had an ice pick imbedded in our right eye.
28. Things we find beautiful: a double play; a walk-off home run in the bottom of the ninth; a game-winning three-pointer with no time left on the clock; an 80-yard TD pass in overtime; and oh yeah, sunsets and stuff, I guess.
29. We have much greater upper body strength than women, but our breasts aren't nearly as nice.
30. If we're single, we desperately want to be married. If we're married, we desperately want to be single. Please kill us now.
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